I absolutely love being a mommy and it's honestly the most rewarding and wonderful experience I could ever imagined it to be. But it's also hard. Really hard. Not just physically, but emotionally too. Sure you are tired and your whole life changes and blah blah blah. For the most part it's absolutely for the better, but there are days where it's such a challenge to be a momma. Today was one of those days for me. Taylor has been gone on a business trip so it's just been me and the munchkin for 2.5 days. That's nothing in the grand scheme of things but it's new to us. Taylor and I have rarely been in separate cities since I moved back to KC after college that was in 2010. I think I can count on 1 hand how many times that's been. It's honestly no big deal. I'm self sufficient but I do really miss my husband and I miss my best friend! Henry, Cora and I all can't wait for him to get home late tonight!
The last two days while he has been gone have been a big emotional shift for me for some reason. I'm not sure if it's because it's been more quiet or it's just been me and Henry. Who knows. But I've been working through some massive momma guilt. This momma guilt thing happens in all sorts of scenarios. It's such a weird thing. I'm gonna blame hormones (even if that's not the cause) for it because I feel like a crazy person sometimes. A couple examples lately....
We are renovating our living room a little bit. Taylor is building built-in bookshelves and cabinets on either side of our fireplace. To keep Henry out of the mess we have had him in his little play corral (which isn't that big). I feel guilty he can't roam around like usual and explore and his toys are limited due to space in there. He cries when I put him down in it for a few solid minutes and wants me to sit in there with him to play and I've been too lazy/ tired to chase him all over our main floor instead. There isn't much space with two of us in that stupid thing so it's uncomfortable and cramped for him. Momma guilt.
He has probably watched too much TV lately. I like noise and chaos and normally I put music on when I clean or cook but our surround sound that I hook my phone into for music is unplugged due to the fireplace project so I've had the TV on for noise and normally he doesn't pay attention or look at it at all. He just started noticing it and I haven't made a good enough effort to keep it off and just enjoy the quiet. Selfish Momma guilt.
I haven't cleaned out his closet of clothes that are too small and Taylor has shoved him into 6 month onesies or pants that are way too short on more than one occasion. Momma guilt.
We just bought him a new convertible car seat (one for each car) and the one that I originally wanted that is fancy, didn't have a great side impact head cushion at Babie's R 'Us and instead of going to Buy Buy Baby where they don't have as great of a sale right now but have the right version that does have the better head support. I didn't. I bought him a less expensive albeit just as good of quality of car seat that has the head support in it. Momma guilt.
Henry plays with Cora all the time and their new favorite game is Henry sits with me on the couch and leans over the arm rest to look down on Cora (where she usually lays). I hold his legs and she plays hide and seek with him and will run behind the couch out of view and Henry will lean and try to look for her, then Cora will run around to the front of the couch and Henry will laugh and laugh and laugh. They will do it forever and it's so cute to watch. This time I leaned over to plug my phone into the charger at the other end of the couch and let go of him for 2 seconds and he fell over the arm rest onto his head. I about threw up because I was so scared and felt so horrible. We both were crying and he got rug burn on his forhead and nose. Momma guilt.
The biggest thing I am feeling guilty about lately is that we are weaning breastfeeding. It's been alot of hard work to keep my supply up all this time. I've had a marginal supply at best and have had to work really hard to keep it up for him. Trust me, so so so worth it. I've been on a very expensive medication to increase my prolactin hormone level to stimulate milk production and even when Henry started sleeping through the night I had to get up every 4 hours and pump or my supply would drop in half. It's been worth every single ounce of effort it's taken because I truley LOVE nursing him. It's the only time these days where I can get him to sit still and snuggle me. It's the time at night where he needs me and it's something only he and I can share together. I HATE pumping but I will miss nursing him so much. It makes me so sad to think about i,t but it's time for us. My original goal was 6 months, then 9 months, then 12 months and we are almost there. I have about 300oz in the freezer saved up that will get him to his first birthday and maybe beyond. We are going slow and have been cutting out one nursing session a week for the past month or so. He used to nurse first thing when he woke up (we still do that), before morning nap (we cut that one last week) and afternoon naps (we just cut afternoon nap this week), after dinner (he cut this one out on his own a while ago) and before bed (we still do this). Today he came up to me and crawled into my lap and wanted to nurse three separate times. I told him no and gave him his sippy cup and distracted him with books on my lap and let him still snuggle and he was totally fine. I on the other hand started crying the third time he did it. I felt terrible for making him wean before he is ready but we are about to embark on yet another journey with infertility and before we can get more help from our infertility doctor I have to be done nursing for several reasons. If it takes us 2 years again to get pregnant we don't want to wait much longer to start trying and we would gladly welcome another baby anytime now. Momma guilt.
So you see, Momma guilt comes in all different scenarios and some day I may read this and laugh at myself for being so ridiculous with these things and remind myself not to sweat the small stuff. Obviously boo boo's happen and we will work on less TV and more vegetables. The bookshelves will be done soon and he can have the whole living room again, this time with a brand new cabinet all for him, full of his toys that he can open and shut as he pleases. I can play with him more comfortably then too. I just ordered almost a whole new wardrobe for him of the next size up stuff so I will be prepared when he outgrows current things. I will put away all his clean laundry tomorrow and sort through everything that is too small for him and pack it away and I will get over the nursing thing and so will Henry. It's part of life. I need to remind myself that none of this is the end of the world and cut myself some slack.
In motherhood there is this secret pack of wolves that come out in other moms. Sort of like the mean girls in high school. Women are judgy by nature, mommas are no exception. As a mom you do what you feel is best for your kids. You make decisions you feel are well informed regardless of what your source is (and unfortunately how accurate) and you do what is best for you family. But women don't agree with each other hardly ever. Hence the very vicious constant vaccine, home/hospital birth, antibiotic/ essential oil, organic diet debates etc etc. We are always judging and I think that accentuates the momma guilt. "Oh well she formula feeds" or "she takes her kids to day care" or "Her kids clothes don't match today". Well maybe she formula feeds because she is a breast cancer survivor and had a double mastectomy. Maybe she takes her kids to day care because she has to work to keep food on the table. Maybe her kids clothes don't match today because her little one is learning to dress themself and that's important! Maybe her kid is screaming in the grocery store cart because they have an ear infection but there is no food in the house.
Everyone has their stuff. Everyone has their own momma guilt and we need to come together as other mommas to support each other. I'm working on supporting my other momma friends and they are working on supporting me and that is HUGE! I don't have to have other people's approval but it's nice. It's very encouraging to hear " good job momma, you rock!" or the text my sweet friend sent me when I texted her crying about turning my baby away from nursing today and giving a bottle of breast milk instead "...That's whats important is that he's getting the antibodies and all the benefits of momma milk too. AND he gets to cuddle!... He's still loved and secure, and he knows that. It's just a behavioral change for both of you, and probably harder on you than him (I'd be the same exact way!). You're not doing anything wrong....To be frank. He's got a great mom (and dad) and is breastfed and got all his shots. He's had a good start in life! :)" We have a running joke about vaccinations if you couldn't tell. But to hear that made it almost all better. I still feel guilty but I have good reasons for the decision I'm making and we will all be okay. Henry is fine, he's healthy and happy (or will be once he isn't stuck in a cage with clothes that are too small ;) )
So for tonight I will work on not beating myself up and let the little stuff go. I will work on supporting my momma friends and reminding them to let their momma guilt go too. They say it takes a village to raise a child and I've got a pretty incredible village. So thanks to you all, you know who you are. And for the record.... tonight I got the biggest hug and open mouth slobbery kiss from the cutest happiest 11 month old on the block right before we snuggled for bedtime for about an hour. He's fine....so I will be too.
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