God listens

I was taught when I was very young to pray every night before bed. To ask God for his protection, peace, patience, guidance and forgiveness among a million other things. I prayed for my whole family and my friends "and even their pets" as my childhood memorized prayer used to say. My mom taught me how important it is to lean on God even when you struggle with it. As humans, especially type A humans, we like control. Praying for me a lot of the time means I have to give up my control and hand it over to God and I don't like to do that part. I mean I really struggle with this a lot, but I practice a lot. I pray a lot. Daily. Sometimes multiple times a day. Sometimes it's something quick like "Lord, please give me patience today" or really long, more of a conversation with God. Other times I don't even have the words to say, I just say God "you know my heart, Amen". I've gotten better with my prayers as I've gotten older and gone through more struggles and even more amazing blessings. I've gotten better with less of the "keep me safely through the night and wake me with the morning light" stuff and more of the "Lord, lead me and teach me and help me when I'm not strong." I praise God for the blessings he gives me, for Taylor, for Henry, for our house and jobs and health etc but I will be honest, I ask God for help more. I'm pretty sure we all do.
When we were trying to get pregnant with Henry, my faith was shaky. Really shaky. Taylor lost his job unexpectedly, we had just bought a big new house and adopted a puppy, we were trying to pay for expensive fertility medications and treatments and I just felt like we would never get out of the dark woods we were in.  I was praying for Taylor to get a job he liked and for our puppy to stop peeing on our brand new carpet and for a baby... daily. Hourly sometimes. We had already been trying a year at that point and had been with our reproductive endocrinologist for a few months by then. I had already had tons of testing done and a surgery on my uterus to take out a membrane cutting it into two segments that could cause complications if I did get pregnant. I was having painful cysts and bad labs and bad ultrasounds showing no response to the medications I was on. I didn't even have "eggs" growing let alone getting big enough to do anything with.  All sorts of things that just kept delaying our progress until that point. I wondering why God kept telling me "No" when everything in my heart said I was made to be a mommy. I know that it wasn't a great time to get pregnant but a baby takes 9 months to grow and I was certain we would be just fine by the time it was born. I kept praying and waiting. I got angry with God as I would go to work and take care of babies withdrawing from street drugs with mothers who didn't want them or the 3 or siblings they had already lost custody of before that baby. Why was he making pregnant women and new babies all I noticed around me? Why was he showing me that I was the only one who couldn't have a baby? It felt like salt in my wound. Why wasn't he answering my prayers?
Because God has plans bigger than mine. That's why. It's still really hard for me to admit that. Hearing that from someone else when you are trying to have a baby and that's the only thing you want, hurts really really bad. It's true. It's said as a comfort, but it might mean God doesn't plan for you to have a baby at all or not for a long time or maybe just not for a few more months. I know couples that have faced that reality of the not evers or not for a long long time and I couldn't bear the thought that it could be my fate too. But God knows what he is doing. And lately he's been showing me....through music.
I know, I'm crazy. But stay with me here. I always think there is something to be said for Garth Brooks' song "Unanswered Prayers". He talks about how they are one of God's greatest gifts. That is so incredibly true and just when I really struggle and pray and feel like he isn't listening, he shows me he is. He shows me that my prayer for a baby THIS MONTH may not be what's best. He let us get back on our feet, Taylor got a good job, Cora became potty trained and obedience trained, my body had time to heal and so did our bank account and THEN we became pregnant. It wasn't our time table and that was really a hard pill to swallow but we wouldn't have Henry if it didn't happen exactly like it did, WHEN it did. It was the ultimate unanswered prayer. Because let's be honest, most of the time my prayer wasn't "Lord give me a baby please please please" it was "Lord, please let this be our month, please give me a baby NOW".  So ultimately a prayer that was unanswered and answered with a better one "Lauren, I will give you a baby when you are ready" and he did.
So I've been praying since then, daily for all things like protect my baby and keep me healthy and blah blah blah but also, to let me be able to experience pregnancy and childbirth and new motherhood and breastfeeding and watching my husband love on our new child and falling so much more in love with him all over again. It was a euphoria I can't even begin to explain and those who have children know what I mean and those who don't, it's worth fighting for. I promise. It made it worth every unanswered prayer and frustration and tear and penny and painful part of infertility treatment. It made pregnancy and throwing up and childbirth and postpartum fun worth it too. So I've prayed that I would get to do it again constantly, I prayed that in the delivery room as I thanked God for my 8lb 7oz screaming gift.

And this time, when I prayed for a baby NOW, he listened, but is isn't my time yet. I'm crying writing these words because it hurts to admit it. It hurts to know that this emotionally and physically and financially and mentally painful journey might not have a quick reward, but it hurts so good to know it will be worth it, in his time. Not mine. Because Henry has been my greatest gift and I was given him when I was good and ready and this time I have no doubt will be any different. Do I like that answer? Not really, lol. But I know it's what's best. So how is God listening? How do I know he hears my cries? Well get this.

Taylor has a new Ford Explorer, it's blue tooth compatible. So that means that if I am in the car, it will pick up my phone's signal and can wirelessly play music off my spotify playlist through the speakers in the car. So I put Henry in the car on Sunday (the day I found out that this cycle probably meant no baby and I was taking it HARD). I had cried myself to sleep after work out of frustration and exhaustion from being up all night. I was so sure it was going to be this month, but it wasn't. We decided to take Henry to the pet store to see all the puppies and animals (which he loves to do). It would be a good distraction for me too. I strapped him into his carseat and sat in the passenger side waiting for Taylor to come out. I turned the key and "Lauren's iphone" popped up in the display on the radio. I hadn't selected a song yet or even opened my spotify playlist yet or turned on my phone. It was still in my pocket in fact and music started to play. I knew from the first 3 notes what song it was and just started crying. The song was "Beautiful Things"  by Gungor. It's the song that I listened to all the time when I was trying to get pregnant with Henry and it's the song that I set our infertility journey slideshow video to. Which you can see HERE. (you may not be able to watch it on your phone).

The song that was selected to play on my phone was not even in the same playlist as the one playing and my phone's ticker of how many minutes or seconds the song had been playing was couting indictating the other song should have been playing through the speakers. But it wasn't. I'm not sure how it played through the car but it did and I just said "alright God, I got it". He is listening. He knows my heart and there is so much comfort in that.

Here is one more recent example. Today I was in the car with Henry and I listen to K-Love radio station alot. Hello! Postive and Encouraging K-Love is their slogan. I need that right now. And not suprisingly (this happens to me, and apparently others a lot). The song that played just hit me like a ton of bricks and I just started crying again. Stupid hormones. The song is "something beautiful" by Stephen Curtis Chapman and I have heard that song a million times before and know all the words by heart but never really listened to them or applied them. Today the part that goes like this is what got me.
"I see you sitting over there with your head in your hands
and the mess life's made of your best laid plans.
You really wanna shake your fist, but you don't know who to blame.
Well you can blame yourself or the man upstairs.
 Or the guy on the screen who says he cares.
 But all the shame and the blame won't change a thing.
What's done is done but
GRACE HAS JUST BEGUN.
 And God says
 I'm gonna turn it into something different,
I'm gonna turn it into something good.
 I'm gonna take all the broken pieces and make something beautiful like only I could.
So put it all in the hands of the Father
Give it up.
Give it all over to the only one who can turn it into
Something beautiful.
Something really beautiful."

Alright God, got me again. I will stop being negative this week. I'll appreciate your fresh start and fresh mind and your reminder and I will try to be strong this month and when I can't I will remember to give it up to you again......I know you are listening.