I've debated making this public for quite sometime but I finally decided that if I am going to be real and raw with our infertility journey that I should be that way in all seasons of our journey, not just after we become pregnant. A few of my closer friends know that we have been trying to get pregnant again with baby #2 for a few months now but It's been a hard week and this has been really on my heart lately. So I'm going to share where we are now. I feel like it's really easy to talk about infertility when you have fought it and WON but it's not as easy to discuss when you are going through it. When the emotions are in your face, raw and real and incredibly painful, it can become a hot knife to talk about. When you aren't sure how the story will end this time and you are scared and unsure, it gets hard to discuss because it makes it more real. To admit that you may not be able to get pregnant again or have another child is really REALLY hard to say out loud.
But overall I honestly don't have much trouble talking about it regardless of the season I'm in on our journey because being open and honest about it helps me cope. I grew up going to counseling to learn to deal with being a blended family, to deal with family issues and ultimately finding my place as a grown up that makes their own decisions after having my 4 parents and Johnson County court decide most things before that. Talking about things has become therapeutic to me and having people ask me about it honestly just reminds me that they care about me, they have my best interest at heart and they're hopeful for me too. To know you have people in your corner, a village behind you, a few more prayer warriors, it's really so comforting. I didn't really have that support system and network when I was trying to get pregnant with Henry and it was horrible. I was still pretty quiet about our struggle and figured no one wanted to know about it, it's taboo and I was embarrassed. Embarrassed that my body was failing me, failing us and I didn't quite know why. I've learned so much since I started sharing what happened before Henry. How many women and couples struggle with this too (1 in 8), how many people I know that are going through infertility struggles too, how many women wanted questions answered that I had answers to based on my knowledge base from our journey and treatments. So many people I could help give hope to, cry with, pray for and encourage. I learned God was using this horrible time in my life to help others and to help myself. I found healing and peace knowing that I could help other women not feel the way I did, how alone I felt. I learned it's not taboo, it's not shameful, it's not my 'fault' and that talking about it could help me heal too. And it has. Blogging and talking and texting and emailing and facebooking has all been therapeutic. So I think I will start again. I'm not going to give all the gory details, but I will give the sonopsis of what's going on and how I am trying to handle it.
We got to start this time around by going to see our reproductive endocrinologist that we love and had a good consult with her about where to start and when. There was no "try for 1 year and come back if it doesn't work" limbo this time. Thank God for that. We had a great discussion and walked out feeling encouraged and ready for battle. That go get 'em attitude was pulsing full force through us and we both felt refreshed and ready to get back on the horse. I was really worried about how my emotions would be walking back into her office. I sat there in that waiting room so many times waiting anxiously to see if I my labs looked okay, and if had eggs growing, 17 months in a row I didn't at all. I left the office bawling my eyes out. thinking on the way home. It's so not fair. Why didn't anything work on me? Now I have to wait at least 2-3 more weeks before we even start over and 2 more weeks after that to see if eggs would grow this time. It was killing me emotionally and mentally. Racking my brain, what was to come next? Would they grow next time or would I get this false hope and walk out crying again. We were running out of options of meds and doseages and treatments....and money. Would this really happen? But those last 2 months it did! They grew! We found the right combination of meds and the doseages of them and the second month of having good follicle growth we got Henry.
The last time I had been in that office I had my 4 week old miracle with me and a pan full of blue cupcakes with a thank you note and a birth announcement taped on the top. One they would surely add to their wall of success stories that I walked by so many times on the way to the sono room. I've cried wishing a picture of my baby would eventually be tacked to that wall and how jealous I was of all the people that had babies, but also encouraged that there was so much success with our RE and her team. I noticed when I went back this time that the bulletin board was there, but it was empty. Why? Too much pain felt to see those babies? Changing decor in the office? Restarting it with fresh new babies? It didn't matter, I got the same lump in my throat walking down the hallway past it, even with no babies taped on it. Would this really happen..... twice?
Our RE told us we would pick up right where we left off and start with that same regimen that got us pregnant with Henry. And like I said, we marched out empowered to start again. The empowerment and energy and excitement faded quickly, labs draws came and went, ultrasounds too, things looked okay but not fantastic and while the meds were working, it didn't seem like anything had changed. I felt like I was stuck in time feeling emotional, scared, alone, unsure of my body and my heart and my faith. It sucks. These last two rounds we have actually had TWO eggs each time, TWO chances for a pregnancy, or one chance for twins. And still nothing. We are walking into our third medicated cycle now and I am going to schedule a meeting with our RE to find out what else we can do to make this happen. To see if she is happy with our cycles so far and if she wants to change anything. I'm having a lot more pain with each cycle than I did before and that scares me to death. I want to ask about that and why. I'm not sure what happens next but I know seeing a blank white pregnancy test is just as painful as it used to be. The hot tears still well up in my eyes as I stare at it in all different lights, take pictures on my phone and change it to black and white and invert the color and change the brightness praying I see a faint shadow of a line. Nothing.
Disappointment, frustration, confusion, sadness. Yep, it's all still there.
And guys don't get me wrong, Henry is my world. My everything. I love him more than life itself and I am so happy we have him. I am thrilled I got the chance to see a test with two pink lines, to see "pregnant" on a little gray window on a plastic stick. To tell Taylor he was going to be a daddy. I got to feel a baby kick in my ever growing belly, to experience the thrill and adrenaline and love rush of becoming a mother and got to breast feed my baby until he turned a year old. I am so beyond blessed and I thank God every single day for that opportunity and for letting me Henry's mom. But that doesn't mean our family feels complete. Infertility is just as real no matter how many children a couple has. It's just as painful and emotionally and physically draining. If your heart wants something so much and it's out of reach, it still hurts. I loved being pregnant and becoming a mom and selfishly I want so very badly to be able to experience that again and again, if possible.
So our journey continues here, it will be real and raw and hopefully very short but it will be here. Please email me or facebook me if you have questions about our story or your own. I know that we are going through this dark storm again for a reason. God isn't done working on my heart yet. He isn't done teaching me and I am not done learning. Not done reaching out to others. Not done raising awareness and spreading hope. Not done needing encouragement and love and prayers from others or our journey. Not done crying that we have to go through this again and not giving up on my dream for a house full of kids causing mass chaos and coloring on my walls or peeing in the bathtub. I'm not done yet. I'm not as strong as I've ever been. I'm an emotional train wreck right now and I cry almost daily for a million different reasons including a sappy commercial or learning about PCOS or seeing a picture on facebook of a precious new life, just born into this world. I'm human and I hurt but I'm here and I'm open and I will do what I can to make the best of this, through tears and pain and whatever else it brings. There has to be a silver lining somewhere and I am determined to keep finding it.
