Sleep...precious sleep (my thoughts on Cryin' it out)

"I will never do_________ when I have kids...."

 

We all have said it whether you have children or not. There have been a few of those " I will never.." things that I have stuck to my guns on as a mom (like suck on the Walmart cart handle) and some things that I have done from jump street in my motherhood journey as I've lived and learned (and loved). Out of the things I said I would never do when I had children, letting them cry it out wasn't one of them. I try not to say "never" to anything. But it happens occasionally, this situation it didn't. I never pictured myself as a "cry it out" mom but I also know I like my sleep and I think sometimes kids need to just let it all out. There are days I even have to cry it out. Sometimes it's good to just get it out of your system and move on. That being said, we worked very hard with Henry to set up a good bedtime routine from jump street. I wanted a good sleeper sooooo bad and I didn't want to have to turn to crying it out. But as we all know, plans don't always go through like we, well, plan. 

 When Henry was first born he lost a bunch of weight to start. I was waking him (per Dr.'s orders) every 3 hours to make sure he was eating enough to start gaining the weight he had lost at first. I was comfortable with that schedule because that is what I'm used to in the NICU and if it's safe for NICU babies, it's safe for my "fatty full termer" as I like to call them. Keep in mind I woke him the majority of the time in the night. He's been a "good sleeper" from minute one. But, Henry gained weight like a champ and at 4 weeks I was "allowed" to let him sleep longer than 3 hour blocks. I let him go 4 hours for a few nights and then even longer. The rookie first time mom in me and NICU nurse control freak was scared to let him sleep. I was picturing his blood sugar plummeting, his oxygen needs increasing because of it etc etc. Too much time with sick babies I tell you. The pediatrician told me essentially to chill out and let him go. I never really did that but I did attempt to keep him awake in the day in hopes of him sleeping through the night better. He had his days and nights mixed up for a short while but starting at 8 weeks when I really let him go, so to speak. he would sleep from 9 or 10pm until 4 or 5am, eat and then go back to sleep for a few more hours. Pretty good sleeper I tell you. I call that "through the night". He had a few nights where he was waking more frequently due to gas or teething pain but overall he's been fantastic. Until 6 months rolled along.

 

Then things got crazy. He started waking up in the middle of the night, usually at 2ish. I would get up and think nothing of it, just that he was hungry or going through a growth spurt or was teething and so I would happily nurse him and he'd go back to sleep. Then it became an every night thing. I didn't get it. Why all of a sudden was he getting up so much. He started doing it once or even twice each night. I would go in there and he would stop fussing and just smile and giggle at me and reach up for me. I would pick him up and he would flap his arms like he does when he is excited with an ear to ear grin on his face. I would sit in his rocker so sleepy and get ready to nurse him and some nights he would but most of the time he just wanted to sit on my lap and play with my hair and face. I would rock and rock and rock until he would go back to sleep and if he wasn't completely out he would pop his eyes open and cry for me or just lay in bed and play or yell for me to come back. It got to be a few hours each night that I was up and that is NOT okay with me, not when I know he could sleep long stretches and go down so easily at the beginning of the night. 

 

We had our 6 mo appt with our pediatrician and he asked about naps and sleeping. I told him what was going on and he said. "Oh, no. We are putting a stop to this. He does NOT need to eat in the middle of the night, he is old enough to sleep through. Your child is smarter than you, he is playing with you and he is winning. He knows that when he cries, you immediately come running and give him whatever he wants. He gets snuggles and mommy time and a snack if he so chooses and all is well....for him." He said this "if you are offered a cupcake after a full meal and you aren't really hungry, most of the time you still eat the cupcake, correct?" I told him yes and he said " same thing goes here. If he wakes up and mommy comes in to snuggle and play and offers a midnight snack every night, he would be dumb not to take it right?" Right!  He reassured me that at this age Henry does not need to eat in the middle of the night and can, and should, sleep 10-12 hour stretches. But, if he rolls over and he's used to attention and a snack, then heck yeah he is gonna take it and he WILL get mad when he doesn't get it.  I created a monster without even realizing it!
"You must teach him now that night time is not time to play and eat and that you are the boss. You are the one who calls the shots and you are the parent. He needs to learn that now." I agreed with him but wasn't prepared for his next comment. "Let him cry it out". Really?

 

I had never even considered it before. I have obviously heard of crying it out but never considered we would need to do it. We had a good sleeper remember?! I panicked inside a little.  He told me that this time in his life is crucial for sleep because he is hitting a ton of developmental milestones and his brain needs rest. It's also a crucial time for creating good and bad habits and routines before it's too late. But he reassured me that I am the boss, I make the rules and that is what parenting is. That part stuck with me. I don't want my kid to walk all over me right?! And we all know I love control. Sigh.

 

Now here was my problem, I HATE hearing Henry cry, hate it. It doesn't happen very often, he's just a happy kid, but when it does I have a hard time. No one wants to hear their baby cry, but sometimes it's necessary. I also have a hard time with worrying about how he feels. For instance, I bawled my eyes out the first time he slept in his room in his crib because I didn't want to think I abandoned him when he woke up in the dark and couldn't see me (like he could from his basinet by my bed). Make fun all you want, I'm a first time mom and I am sensitive to these things.

 

Here is how he instructed I do cry it out. (there are a million variations but same basic rules apply):

 

~Put him down like normal, don't start any new bedtime routines or put him down awake if you normally rock to sleep etc. (this for us is clean diaper, jammies, books, rocking and nursing and down to sleep in the dark with a nightlight and sound machine)

~Then when he wakes up in the middle of the night, you get 30 seconds. You go in, say "Henry, I love you and I am here. But it is time to sleep and not time to play, go to sleep. Good night", give a pacifier and walk right back out. Don't stand at the door. Don't let him see you after you've left. Go back to your room.

~ I turned the sound off on the monitor to muffle him, I put on a good happy movie and when I went back to my room I watched it in between intervals. I could still hear him and it still sucked but why torture yourself by crying on the other side of their door and using a freakin amp to blow your ears out with crying baby to make it 10 fold worse. 

~ As far as intervals go, we did 15-20 minutes. This number can be changed to your liking but, because Henry cried really hard (the 1st night) for about 3-5 minutes and then he stopped and just rolled around and kicked around in his crib and talked to himself and kinda yelled out for me. It took him awhile but he finally realized I wasn't coming right back. Despite all his noise. He started to cry again but it took awhile so going in after 5 or 8 minutes like I've heard some do would be pointless.  I waited until he cried again and let him flip out before I went back in. No sense in letting him see me (which made him cry each time I left again) if he is still content. I set my phone alarm for 15 minutes and/or waited until he cried anytime after the 15 minute mark. Then when he did, I went back into his room, gave him his pacifier, kissed him, told him the same thing. "Henry, I love you and I am here. But it is time to sleep and not time to play, go to sleep. Good night" and walked right back out. He got upset again and it sucked but  YOU HAVE TO BE CONSISTENT. Keep going back in to the room in intervals as long as it takes until babe falls asleep and yes.... they will. Our first night took 4 hours and I cried at the end because when he got tired enough he really did cry for me like sad cry. Broke my heart, but I knew it was what was best for both of us. I finally caved because we were both exhausted and he was so upset. Big crocodile tears and sad cry are my kryptonite. Let it be known. I rocked him and snuggled him and nursed him and cried my eyes out until he fell asleep on my chest and then put him back to bed. It's okay if you cave in, you're human, but get back on the horse and try again the next night.

~DO NOT PICK THE BABY UP. This is the only hard and fast rule, the others can be tweaked to your liking and what works for you. This is not snuggle time, baby stays in bed. Like I said, I caved after 4 hours the first night but try your hardest not to.

~He is going to lose it and scream and cry. He is going to be MAD that you didn't pick him up and play. He will keep crying for a while too. But the goal is to return to baby in intervals so he knows you are still there, you haven't abandoned him and you still mean business.

~The end result that you want is that baby knows you are there, you love him and heard him but you are not playing or feeding him and it's time to sleep so it's not even worth it to throw a fit and cry. The goal is to get him to roll over and go back to sleep on his own each time he wakes up in the night. This is a huge life skill for toddlers and children and even adults to be able to self soothe back to sleep each time they awake no matter what the cause.

 

Night two:

We did the same cycle as above, He only did this for 2 hours and went to sleep on his own when he got annoyed that I really wasn't going to pick him up. I would stand there sometimes when he cried and rub his back and talk or sing to him but I NEVER picked him up. I didn't cry that night and he did it so much faster than before. SUCCESS already!

 

Night three:

He woke up, I waited until he fussed which took several minutes this time instead of instantly. Give them some time as you continue with this program to start really crying. (Henry will occassionally wake up in the night and yell out once or twice and if I don't come in, he goes back to sleep.) But I continued to go in and I told him the same thing each time "Henry, I love you and I am here. But it is time to sleep and not time to play, go to sleep. Good night", kissed him, rubbed his back for a second and gave his pacifier and walked out. He legit rolled over and went to sleep without another peep. He knew I wasn't going to pick him up. He woke up, He got reassurance I was still there if he needed me but he knew I wasn't playing around and he passed right back out. 20 minutes.

 

Ever since then he has slept 10-11 hours each night without a peep. I have literally heard him wake, watched him look for his pacifier, roll over, put it in himself and go back to sleep without a noise. He self soothes and we all sleep! Happily ever after.....

 

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Now, some kids are more stubborn than others but our pediatrician said most kids take less than 7 nights IF and only IF you are consistent each night. I have a friend who has "tried CIO" several nights and gives in each night and picks baby up and brings baby to bed with her and now she cries louder and longer than ever because she thinks she has to to get picked up and sleep with mommy and daddy. NOT the goal you are looking for. You can make it worse if you don't stay consistent. He also told me that most kids don't really cry, they kind of pissed off yell/cry or lay there and whine because they are mad they aren't getting what they want.  If his diaper is clean, his belly is full and he is warm and clothed and dry. He needs to sleep. and so does mommy. I hope these tips helped you. I got most of them from over 30 different responses from my veteran mommy friends on facebook along with our pediatrician. Please let me know if you have any questions. I am happy to answer them the best I can. I am no expert, but I know what we did worked for us and I have passed this information along to many of my new momma friends and they too have seen great and fast success. A few of them have had horrid sleepers from the start and when doing CIO have seen great fast results which is very encouraging. I'm so happy to say that we survived those few nights for literally months now of happy sleeping. Good luck!!