A very special first birthday party.

I'm planning a birthday party!!! A first birthday party! A party I have thought about for a loooooong time. I started thinking about Henry's first birthday party before he was even born. Ridiculous? yes. Do I care? Nope. Sure don't. I originally thought I wanted a hungry hungry caterpillar theme but Taylor thinks that book is stupid, he makes up the words when he reads it to Henry and they are something similar to "the very glutinous caterpillar ate himself into "the diabeet-us" and the paramedics and firemen had to come cut him out of his cucoon to take him to the hospital, he was NOT beautiful in the end, he was fat and gross and should have learned some self control". I sit there laughing hysterically and then thinking about my birthday party idea has suddenly turned into visions of obese caterpillars who can't get out of bed instead of cute little bugs with matching food from the pages of the story. Ruined it. Totally ruined it.

My next idea was fish. I LOVE fish. I love watching them, I love the ocean and all things in it, but I won't swim in it due to said things, far too unpredictable. Shark week is recorded in full on my Tivo and I drag Taylor to every aquarium within a few hours of whatever location we are in. I love fish! I wanted Henry's room to be ocean theme originally so this was my one chance to use that and run because clearly I lost when it came to decorating the nursery. More boy-ish he said! I have strict instructions that while I am "allowed" to do an ocean birthday party, I have to make it boy-ish. So, I've been planning for the past few weeks all sorts of things birthday party, boy birthday party. I have been crafting away and pinteresting until my eyes want to bleed from the computer/phone screen. What a fun thing to get to do for such a sweet little guy. I will share all the details in a very special birthday party post later. Honestly though, overall I'm amazed to be getting the opportunity to do any of this. It's still weird to think that I'm a mom, I have a son. Weird to think a year ago I was hugely pregnant and swollen and loving every second of feeling each kick and rib jab the little guy gave me. Weird that I was scooting along the floor cleaning the baseboards with a rag and nesting like a crazy person. Weird that I was packing a bag for the hospital to meet MY baby! I can't believe that was almost a year ago. Time has gone far too fast for my liking. I want to stop and breathe him in and soak in every second. Every feeling. Every 20 minutes he lets me hold him down and snuggle.

And a year before that I really was in a completely different place. When people say time flies, they mean it and sometimes it's a really really good thing that it flies. Afterall I was in a not so great place then physically and emotionally and that time needed to fly faster and faster. I don't want to ever wish my life away but those few years of infertility were a few that were overshadowed by negativity, yearning, jealousy, bitterness, sadness, impatience, frustration, defeat. It's amazing how life has changed so quickly and yet so slowly all at once. How dark days turned to bright and sunny in the 5 minutes it took for 2 pink lines to appear on a strip of paper inside a very special window in a piece of cheap plastic. 2 years ago we were a year into our infertility journey. There were times that I didn't know if I would get the chance to hold my big swollen belly and watch my baby move around inside it. Alot of times I didn't know if I would get to plan a first birthday party at all.  While I am busy getting to celebrate something so much fun for not only Henry but for myself and for Taylor I can't forget where we have come from. It's a celebration that we beat infertility. A huge milestone that we did it. We got pregnant finally and we kept our kid alive for an entire year. I jest but at the same time I don't. I can't stop being thankful for each day I get with Henry and that I can't take any moment for granted. To get to celebrate his big day is so special for us as parents too.  It's not guaranteed we will get this chance again. We want a big family and will do whatever it takes to achieve that but we may have to adopt next time. We may get a child older than a year. Who knows, we may not get more children at all. While I hope in my heart of hearts that this next time won't be as difficult as last time, I'm not sure what will happen. Infertility is still a very fresh wound. Although the joy of having Henry in our lives from that first pregnancy test all the way through now has done so much healing it hasn't made me forget. Which is good! The pain is real and it's our story. An important part of our story and while it wasn't fun at all it was on God's time and we learned alot from it. We became better people and got to help others going through the same thing. The story of how difficult it was to get pregnant  shouldn't be forgotten. It changes how Taylor and I both look at things. Yes we have overcome once but if we want more children we will most likely walk that road again. I'm scared. I don't want to feel those feelings again. I'm ready but I'm also terrified to try for another baby, and then I remember that that fear and pain reminds me to be thankful for Henry in the mean time. To snuggle him every chance I get, even if I have to hold him down. To shower him with kisses and love and laughter and to go all out for his first birthday party. Bubble machines and banners and hanging fish from the ceiling and balloons and favors and cake. Oh the cake!  It's made me a better mom than I think I would have been, all of the things that have happened to get us to this celebration, but isn't that the entire point in life? Aren't we supposed to go through the valleys and mountain peaks and learn along the way. Aren't our experiences supposed to shape us? They sure have shaped me. I didn't feel that way at the time in the valley, but the experience of infertility has made me a better mommy in many ways and it has made me enjoy the peak so much more. So much more. I've learned from my impatience and yearning. I've learned from my heartache and incredible amount of joy with that positive pregnancy test, with his birth. I think about it daily and I use it for good.I use it to be the mommy I so desperately wanted to be then and the mommy I so desperately want to be now. I do believe all things happen for a reason and sometimes those reasons we will never know, but sometimes they manifest themselves in opportunities for  home made first birthday party invitations for a big party on March 22, 2015.