Momma Guilt

Guess what. It's real and it's real powerful...
I absolutely love being a mommy and it's honestly the most rewarding and wonderful experience I could ever imagined it to be. But it's also hard. Really hard. Not just physically, but emotionally too. Sure you are tired and your whole life changes and blah blah blah. For the most part it's absolutely for the better, but there are days where it's such a challenge to be a momma. Today was one of those days for me. Taylor has been gone on a business trip so it's just been me and the munchkin for 2.5 days. That's nothing in the grand scheme of things but it's new to us. Taylor and I have rarely been in separate cities since I moved back to KC after college that was in 2010. I think I can count on 1 hand how many times that's been. It's honestly no big deal. I'm self sufficient but I do really miss my husband and I miss my best friend! Henry, Cora and I all can't wait for him to get home late tonight!

The last two days while he has been gone have been a big emotional shift for me for some reason. I'm not sure if it's because it's been more quiet or it's just been me and Henry. Who knows. But I've been working through some massive momma guilt. This momma guilt thing happens in all sorts of scenarios. It's such a weird thing. I'm gonna blame hormones (even if that's not the cause) for it because I feel like a crazy person sometimes. A couple examples lately....

We are renovating our living room a little bit. Taylor is building built-in bookshelves and cabinets on either side of our fireplace. To keep Henry out of the mess we have had him in his little play corral (which isn't that big). I feel guilty he can't roam around like usual and explore and his toys are limited due to space in there. He cries when I put him down in it for a few solid minutes and wants me to sit in there with him to play and I've been too lazy/ tired to chase him all over our main floor instead. There isn't much space with two of us in that stupid thing so it's uncomfortable and cramped for him. Momma guilt.

He has probably watched too much TV lately. I like noise and chaos and normally I put music on when I clean or cook but our surround sound that I hook my phone into for music is unplugged due to the fireplace project so I've had the TV on for noise and normally he doesn't pay attention or look at it at all. He just started noticing it and I haven't made a good enough effort to keep it off and just enjoy the quiet. Selfish Momma guilt.

Since he started eating table food for all his meals I stick to more fruit and less veggies because fruit is easier, it ripens and is soft and most veggies have to be cooked and that takes more time. Momma guilt.

I haven't cleaned out his closet of clothes that are too small and Taylor has shoved him into 6 month onesies or pants that are way too short on more than one occasion. Momma guilt.

We just bought him a new convertible car seat (one for each car) and the one that I originally wanted that is fancy, didn't have a great side impact head cushion at Babie's R 'Us and instead of going to Buy Buy Baby where they don't have as great of a sale right now but have the right version that does have the better head support. I didn't. I bought him a less expensive albeit just as good of quality of car seat that has the head support in it. Momma guilt.

Henry plays with Cora all the time and their new favorite game is Henry sits with me on the couch and leans over the arm rest to look down on Cora (where she usually lays). I hold his legs and she plays hide and seek with him and will run behind the couch out of view and Henry will lean and try to look for her, then Cora will run around to the front of the couch and Henry will laugh and laugh and laugh. They will do it forever and it's so cute to watch. This time I leaned over to plug my phone into the charger at the other end of the couch and let go of him for 2 seconds and he fell over the arm rest onto his head. I about threw up because I was so scared and felt so horrible. We both were crying and he got rug burn on his forhead and nose. Momma guilt.

The biggest thing I am feeling guilty about lately is that we are weaning breastfeeding. It's been alot of hard work to keep my supply up all this time. I've had a marginal supply at best and have had to work really hard to keep it up for him. Trust me, so so so worth it. I've been on a very expensive medication to increase my prolactin hormone level to stimulate milk production and even when Henry started sleeping through the night I had to get up every 4 hours and pump or my supply would drop in half. It's been worth every single ounce of effort it's taken because I truley LOVE nursing him. It's the only time these days where I can get him to sit still and snuggle me. It's the time at night where he needs me and it's something only he and I can share together. I HATE pumping but I will miss nursing him so much. It makes me so sad to think about i,t but it's time for us. My original goal was 6 months, then 9 months, then 12 months and we are almost there. I have about 300oz in the freezer saved up that will get him to his first birthday and maybe beyond. We are going slow and have been cutting out one nursing session a week for the past month or so. He used to nurse first thing when he woke up (we still do that), before morning nap (we cut that one last week) and afternoon naps (we just cut afternoon nap this week), after dinner (he cut this one out on his own a while ago) and before bed (we still do this). Today he came up to me and crawled into my lap and wanted to nurse three separate times. I told him no and gave him his sippy cup and distracted him with books on my lap and let him still snuggle and he was totally fine. I on the other hand started crying the third time he did it. I felt terrible for making him wean before he is ready but we are about to embark on yet another journey with infertility and before we can get more help from our infertility doctor I have to be done nursing for several reasons. If it takes us 2 years again to get pregnant we don't want to wait much longer to start trying and we would gladly welcome another baby anytime now. Momma guilt.

So you see, Momma guilt comes in all different scenarios and some day I may read this and laugh at myself for being so ridiculous with these things and remind myself not to sweat the small stuff. Obviously boo boo's happen and we will work on less TV and more vegetables. The bookshelves will be done soon and he can have the whole living room again, this time with a brand new cabinet all for him, full of his toys that he can open and shut as he pleases. I can play with him more comfortably then too. I just ordered almost a whole new wardrobe for him of the next size up stuff so I will be prepared when he outgrows current things. I will put away all his clean laundry tomorrow and sort through everything that is too small for him and pack it away and I will get over the nursing thing and so will Henry. It's part of life. I need to remind myself that none of this is the end of the world and cut myself some slack.

In motherhood there is this secret pack of wolves that come out in other moms. Sort of like the mean girls in high school. Women are judgy by nature, mommas are no exception. As a mom you do what you feel is best for your kids. You make decisions you feel are well informed regardless of what your source is (and unfortunately how accurate) and you do what is best for you family. But women don't agree with each other hardly ever. Hence the very vicious constant vaccine, home/hospital birth, antibiotic/ essential oil, organic diet debates etc etc.  We are always judging and I think that accentuates the momma guilt. "Oh well she formula feeds" or "she takes her kids to day care" or "Her kids clothes don't match today". Well maybe she formula feeds because she is a breast cancer survivor and had a double mastectomy. Maybe she takes her kids to day care because she has to work to keep food on the table. Maybe her kids clothes don't match today because her little one is learning to dress themself and that's important! Maybe her kid is screaming in the grocery store cart because they have an ear infection but there is no food in the house.

Everyone has their stuff. Everyone has their own momma guilt and we need to come together as other mommas to support each other. I'm working on supporting my other momma friends and they are working on supporting me and that is HUGE! I don't have to have other people's approval but it's nice. It's very encouraging to hear " good job momma, you rock!" or  the text my sweet friend sent me when I texted her crying about turning my baby away from nursing today and giving a bottle of breast milk instead "...That's whats important is that he's getting the antibodies and all the benefits of momma milk too. AND he gets to cuddle!... He's still loved and secure, and he knows that. It's just a behavioral change for both of you, and probably harder on you than him (I'd be the same exact way!). You're not doing anything wrong....To be frank. He's got a great mom (and dad) and is breastfed and got all his shots. He's had a good start in life! :)" We have a running joke about vaccinations if you couldn't tell. But to hear that made it almost all better. I still feel guilty but I have good reasons for the decision I'm making and we will all be okay. Henry is fine, he's healthy and happy (or will be once he isn't stuck in a cage with clothes that are too small ;) )

So for tonight I will work on not beating myself up and let the little stuff go. I will work on supporting my momma friends and reminding them to let their momma guilt go too. They say it takes a village to raise a child and I've got a pretty incredible village. So thanks to you all, you know who you are. And for the record.... tonight I got the biggest hug and open mouth slobbery kiss from the cutest happiest 11 month old on the block right before we snuggled for bedtime for about an hour. He's fine....so I will be too.

A very special first birthday party.

I'm planning a birthday party!!! A first birthday party! A party I have thought about for a loooooong time. I started thinking about Henry's first birthday party before he was even born. Ridiculous? yes. Do I care? Nope. Sure don't. I originally thought I wanted a hungry hungry caterpillar theme but Taylor thinks that book is stupid, he makes up the words when he reads it to Henry and they are something similar to "the very glutinous caterpillar ate himself into "the diabeet-us" and the paramedics and firemen had to come cut him out of his cucoon to take him to the hospital, he was NOT beautiful in the end, he was fat and gross and should have learned some self control". I sit there laughing hysterically and then thinking about my birthday party idea has suddenly turned into visions of obese caterpillars who can't get out of bed instead of cute little bugs with matching food from the pages of the story. Ruined it. Totally ruined it.

My next idea was fish. I LOVE fish. I love watching them, I love the ocean and all things in it, but I won't swim in it due to said things, far too unpredictable. Shark week is recorded in full on my Tivo and I drag Taylor to every aquarium within a few hours of whatever location we are in. I love fish! I wanted Henry's room to be ocean theme originally so this was my one chance to use that and run because clearly I lost when it came to decorating the nursery. More boy-ish he said! I have strict instructions that while I am "allowed" to do an ocean birthday party, I have to make it boy-ish. So, I've been planning for the past few weeks all sorts of things birthday party, boy birthday party. I have been crafting away and pinteresting until my eyes want to bleed from the computer/phone screen. What a fun thing to get to do for such a sweet little guy. I will share all the details in a very special birthday party post later. Honestly though, overall I'm amazed to be getting the opportunity to do any of this. It's still weird to think that I'm a mom, I have a son. Weird to think a year ago I was hugely pregnant and swollen and loving every second of feeling each kick and rib jab the little guy gave me. Weird that I was scooting along the floor cleaning the baseboards with a rag and nesting like a crazy person. Weird that I was packing a bag for the hospital to meet MY baby! I can't believe that was almost a year ago. Time has gone far too fast for my liking. I want to stop and breathe him in and soak in every second. Every feeling. Every 20 minutes he lets me hold him down and snuggle.

And a year before that I really was in a completely different place. When people say time flies, they mean it and sometimes it's a really really good thing that it flies. Afterall I was in a not so great place then physically and emotionally and that time needed to fly faster and faster. I don't want to ever wish my life away but those few years of infertility were a few that were overshadowed by negativity, yearning, jealousy, bitterness, sadness, impatience, frustration, defeat. It's amazing how life has changed so quickly and yet so slowly all at once. How dark days turned to bright and sunny in the 5 minutes it took for 2 pink lines to appear on a strip of paper inside a very special window in a piece of cheap plastic. 2 years ago we were a year into our infertility journey. There were times that I didn't know if I would get the chance to hold my big swollen belly and watch my baby move around inside it. Alot of times I didn't know if I would get to plan a first birthday party at all.  While I am busy getting to celebrate something so much fun for not only Henry but for myself and for Taylor I can't forget where we have come from. It's a celebration that we beat infertility. A huge milestone that we did it. We got pregnant finally and we kept our kid alive for an entire year. I jest but at the same time I don't. I can't stop being thankful for each day I get with Henry and that I can't take any moment for granted. To get to celebrate his big day is so special for us as parents too.  It's not guaranteed we will get this chance again. We want a big family and will do whatever it takes to achieve that but we may have to adopt next time. We may get a child older than a year. Who knows, we may not get more children at all. While I hope in my heart of hearts that this next time won't be as difficult as last time, I'm not sure what will happen. Infertility is still a very fresh wound. Although the joy of having Henry in our lives from that first pregnancy test all the way through now has done so much healing it hasn't made me forget. Which is good! The pain is real and it's our story. An important part of our story and while it wasn't fun at all it was on God's time and we learned alot from it. We became better people and got to help others going through the same thing. The story of how difficult it was to get pregnant  shouldn't be forgotten. It changes how Taylor and I both look at things. Yes we have overcome once but if we want more children we will most likely walk that road again. I'm scared. I don't want to feel those feelings again. I'm ready but I'm also terrified to try for another baby, and then I remember that that fear and pain reminds me to be thankful for Henry in the mean time. To snuggle him every chance I get, even if I have to hold him down. To shower him with kisses and love and laughter and to go all out for his first birthday party. Bubble machines and banners and hanging fish from the ceiling and balloons and favors and cake. Oh the cake!  It's made me a better mom than I think I would have been, all of the things that have happened to get us to this celebration, but isn't that the entire point in life? Aren't we supposed to go through the valleys and mountain peaks and learn along the way. Aren't our experiences supposed to shape us? They sure have shaped me. I didn't feel that way at the time in the valley, but the experience of infertility has made me a better mommy in many ways and it has made me enjoy the peak so much more. So much more. I've learned from my impatience and yearning. I've learned from my heartache and incredible amount of joy with that positive pregnancy test, with his birth. I think about it daily and I use it for good.I use it to be the mommy I so desperately wanted to be then and the mommy I so desperately want to be now. I do believe all things happen for a reason and sometimes those reasons we will never know, but sometimes they manifest themselves in opportunities for  home made first birthday party invitations for a big party on March 22, 2015. 

Baby meal ideas

Alot of people have been asking what I am feeding Henry these days. He still nurses or takes a breast milk bottle in the morning when he wakes up, before afternoon nap and before bed. But he also eats breakfast, lunch, dinner and sometimes a snack or two as well. He has 7 teeth now (the 7th popped through last night) and he does a fantastic job of chewing up his food with said teeth but alot of these meal ideas he ate before he had more than 2 teeth. I try to keep a balance of the food groups on his plate, I want him to be healthy and learn healthy habits as young as possible. So here are a few ideas for his meals I have done.
For breakfast we often have baby yogurt (organic and whole milk yogurt with low sugar. Win-win-win) with a waffle or pancake and some fruit (usually bananas, blueberries, pears or peaches). Sometimes we do eggs, turkey bacon, egg casserole etc.

 Yogurt again (which comes in apple, blueberry, peach and pear) scrambled eggs, and orange/carrot biscotti teething rolls.

Lunches we do fruit, some kind of meat and something else on the side. Like smoked turkey, string cheese and banana. 

or smoked turkey, fruit puree, cottage cheese and some cheese tortellini

 For dinner he pretty much eats what we eat. This was italian baked chicken, tortellini, roasted peppers and applesauce.

This was balsamic chicken breast and roasted carrots with cottage cheese.  

Roasted carrots, lemon pepper chicken, cottage cheese and applesauce. 

 pasta, cheddar cheese chunks, pears

 black bean and cheese quesadilla and some veggie puree (when he was younger, we don't do puree now)

 Banana and jumbalaya, I pull out portions of what I cook for him before I season it. This was literally veggies, red beans, rice and sausage. He LOVES it.

 Stuffed bell peppers (minus the pepper, although he did eat some of it), quinoa and applesauce.

 Beef stew, I took the meat out and shredded it up for him and he could eat all the soft cooked veggies and basically drank the broth. Cottage cheese for side.

 Cheese and chicken quesadilla, black olives, and peaches.

He eats gerber wagon wheels, puff,s organic yogurt melts, baby goldfish crackers, string cheese, fruit and other random stuff for snacks. Don't worry, Cora always gets a few bites. He LOVES to feed her.

 He thinks he's sneaky doing it under the table.

 Waiting for more goldfish.

 And then sharing them.

 As far as eating out. We take him with us, eating out is enjoyable for us. It's relaxing for me not to have to cook every single night although I do 6/7 nights each week. I usually take a small freezer pack snack sack with us and throw a fruit cup, applesauce, baggie of turkey or chicken or something for him in there and then I can order things off the menu for him. When we go to barbeque, I get the sauce on the side and order half chicken, half sausage and taylor gets half brisket, half sausage and Henry easily eats half of each order of the chicken and brisket, some beans, and some bread. Other places I can order fresh fruit as a side or cottage cheese as a side and I get something with grilled chicken he can take bites of. He's had pizza and salad and such too. I really don't limit him except for fried food, sweets and salty stuff. He will eat broccoli and brussle sprouts, cauliflower, bell peppers, onions etc. Pretty much anything but avacado. I really work with him to get good nutritional variety but also good texture and flavor variety too. I want to avoid a picky eater as much as possible and I do NOT want to be a short order cook so if I can put in the effort now to help avoid that and have him eat everything we do, I'll be thrilled.  I hope that helped! Let know if you have questions!