Wanna know what is terrifying?

Like truly disturbing, pit in your stomach, feeling a little nauseated, crying style terrifying..... 

Feeling like you are starving your baby. 

WORST. FEELING. EVER.

The thing with breastfeeding is that there is no way to tell how much milk you have, how much milk your baby actually eats and when it is more or less than usual. 

Yes this post is about breastfeeding, for those of you grossed out or uninterested, move along, there will be more posts about other things soon but since this blog is my journal of sorts and how I'm keepin memories for my kids (and myself for when I'm sittin in a rocker and can't remember my name or how many kids I even have), I'm talking about it. mmk? 

Anyshways, where were we? Oh yes, starving of the babes. Not fun I tell you, Not fun. Now let me say first, Henry is fine, he was never starving, never sick. Just fine...BUT last week I didn't feel like he was. There is this primal thing in motherhood, that I honestly wasn't expecting to be so strong, but overwhelms me. I NEED to know where my baby is, that he is happy and okay and well fed and has clean pants. It's just how I am with this whole motherhood thing which I consider a good thing. Part of him being okay is to be well fed. 

Henry hasn't gotten a drop of formula since he was born and that is something I am extremely proud of. We had our troubles with breastfeeding at the start because of his high palate and lots of pain for me but we troubleshot the issues and kept pushing forward and I am so glad we did. I do whatever it takes to make sure he gets only breastmilk because it is important to me. I have studied the health benefits and seen first hand how well NICU babes do when breastfed or given just breastmilk vs. formula.  It's something I can do to make my baby healthy and give him a good start in life and if I can do that for him then why wouldn't I? There are several reasons why women can't or don't breastfeed and that is okay if you can't or don't. I'm not preachy on the subject, I get it. Some moms do everything to get their baby breastfeeding and they just never quite latch or stay full or there are supply issues or mom is on some medicines not safe for baby or have had trauma to their breasts etc. Some moms see their boobs as sex objects and not for anything else and it's uncomfortable and awkward for them or they don't like it.  If for some reason I couldn't it would be okay, formula fed babies still grow and do well but for me it's just a big deal and if the importance of breastfeeding and breastmilk is something near and dear to your heart then stick with it and get the help you need from the pros (there are lots of them, from lactation consultants, online message boards, pediatricians, fellow veteran mommas, breastfeeding support groups, websites, etc I've used them all ). It's just an amazing thing to me honestly, sometimes I look at Taylor and say, "dude, I've kept a human alive for 9 full weeks with just my boobs!" A HUMAN! WITH MY BOOBS! MINE! weird. It makes them waaaay cooler to me than just filling out a pink Victoria's Secret bra like they did before.

But, it's really unpredictable and hard to control and we all know I HATE NOT HAVING CONTROL. I want to know how much milk Henry should be getting for his age and how often and make sure he gets it. That's my NICU nurse in me.  In the NICU we calculate the baby's milk or fomula volume needs based on their daily weight and we give that amount to them every 3 hours by bottle or feeding tube and that's the end of it. No guess work, nice and easy and planned and controlled. Well Henry, as I have discussed before, has made me give up alot of my control because in alot of ways he calls the shots in his tiny little life. When he naps, when he eats, poops through his outfit the one time his stupid mommy forgot to pack a spare, spits up all over his cute outfit 5 minutes before we have to leave for a lunch date or doctor's appointment, or decides to have a light snack before we have some place to go instead of actually eating alot and then looses his mind the second he gets in the carseat or the location that makes it impossible or awkward to nurse him in. He has taken alot of my control and my anxiety about it has grown less and less over time and as I adjust to "going with the flow". I don't usually go with any flow, and if I do, I need to know exactly where that river is going and how fast and then I will flow with it. But until now my life (on purpose) has been filled with very little unknowns. At least as little as I could arrange for. Breastfeeding is funny in that way, its the ultimate motherhood unknown. It's the one thing new moms stress most about. You know you can learn to change a diaper and keep a baby dressed warmly enough and you learn to rock them to sleep the way they like but you can't control breastfeeding that well. In fact, since he was born my way to know he was getting enough food from me has been guess work and a little bit of looking for clues:

•  the number of wet and dirty diapers each day (should be 6-8 wet and 3-4 dirty for breastfed babes) 
• that he was sleeping well 
• he seemed happy and content.
• I could see milk in his mouth during feeds, dripping down his chin, or actually coming out of me (Weird and awkward I know, sorry again if TMI) 
• I felt full before feedings and empty after.
• and that I could pump milk out at any time and still get at least an ounce or two. 

However, just when I think I have things down and I have a routine starting to set up...surprise! NOPE. So I noticed that Henry seemed fussier than normal, he had less heavy wet diapers, hadn't pooped in 36 hours (which can be normal at his age but wasn't normal for him), he wanted to nurse non-stop, he was sucking on his hands and showing hunger cues when he wasn't nursing, when he would nurse he would repeatedly break his latch and look up at me and then try to latch and eat again as if to say "mom, why is it empty" and most of all I felt empty all the time and noticed when I pump daily first thing in the morning after Henry's first feed that I went from pumping 5-6oz each time to barely 1oz. MY MILK WAS DRYING UP!!! AHHHH! So insert ultimate fear, starving your baby. The first morning I realized what was going on, I only had pumped 3oz that morning and Henry started the fussy, not staying latched feeling more empty thing. The second morning I could barely get an ounce and he was showing all those other signs. I panicked! I just started bawling when I looked down in my pumping bottles and saw they were essentially empty instead of full of milk like usual. I cried for 30 minutes in the shower that morning and throughout the entire day each time I would nurse because I knew he wasn't getting as much as he wanted. I thawed some of my pumped milk and gave him a few bottles to top him off after nursing so he wasn't getting dehydrated or starving and I cried bottle feeding him too. Breastfeeding is great for babies and for moms and I felt so incredibly guilty. I know it's what is best for him and If my milk really was disappearing for good I felt he was getting jipped. I kept thinking that he only had 8 weeks of breastmilk and that wasn't enough! My goal was to breastfeed for 9 months minimum. The american academy of pediatrics has studies and studies of the benefits to babies that breastfeed exclusively for a year and the benefits to mom's too. So what happened? What did I do wrong? Why was it so sudden? What had changed? Was it because I am losing weight? and then I kept thinking that my stash of frozen milk that seemed plentiful before would only last us about a week if that's all he had to eat because my 5-6oz every morning is only one feed for him and he eats 6-8x/day. 

The worst part....It was saturday morning, no access to my pediatrician or my doctor until tuesday because of the holiday. I desperately asked fellow momma friends what to do and some fellow NICU nurses with special training in lactation assistance and then got ahold of the lactation consultant at the hospital and finally realized that my body just didn't think Henry needed milk anymore. He has been sleeping through the night now 6-8 hours and had been eating alot but only every 3-4 hours and my body just slowed down thinking he didn't need as much. I did a few "power pumping" sessions in those two days to stimulate more milk production and had Henry nurse essentially all day and then got up the past few nights in the middle of the night to pump while he sleeps and my volume is back up, my kid is pooping and peeing more, he is sleeping longer and seems happier and life is back as it was....but wow that was a close call. I also chugged water and started taking fenugreek, an herbal supplement that is shown to help milk production in 9 out of 10 women. I think that helped too. I just know now not to take breastfeeding for granted, it takes alot of work and sometimes it's a pain in the butt boobs but it's so worth it for my baby (and myself) to be healthy. *

In case you were wondering, here are some of the facts about breastfeeding:

Breastfeeding has been proven to reduce your baby's risk for

• SIDS
•  type I & II diabetes
• asthma
•  allergies
• leukemia 
• childhood cancers 
• obesity
•  ear infections
•  Chron's
•  meningitis
•  GI  infections like flu 
• respiratory tract infections and colds 
•  increases immune system
•  increases IQ by 10 points
• gives perfect nutrition for what baby needs at the time
• Babies cry 43% less than formula fed babies
• less gas and colic
• less constipation
• less likely to require a tonsilectomy
• less picky eaters- breastmilk picks up flavors of foods momma eats and can help prepare baby's palate for table foods
• fewer UTI's

For mommas: It has been proven to reduce risks for

•  breast cancer by up to 50%
•  ovarian cancer by up to 21%
•  type II diabetes
•  obesity
• decreases stress
• decreases postpartum depression
• better bonding with baby
• significantly higher weight loss, especially in hips and thighs (burns 300-800 calories daily)
• reduces bone density loss after menopause

BUT best of all these are my favorite reasons why I like breastfeeding:

• It's always warm and ready when Henry decides he needs to eat NOW. I don't have to pack bottles, ice packs, a way to heat it up and carry it with me, it's just there.
• it has helped me lose weight faster.
• It can give me a good excuse to escape an overstimulating environment or one that is just annoying or boring ( I can sneak off to feed him). 
• It forces us to both have downtime. Even at home it makes me stop what I am doing and just sit and relax and enjoy my baby and rest for 20 minutes. 
• Most of the time no matter what the issue is, nursing will make him happy in a split second
• It's a bonding thing for us, he needs me and I love that
• It's cheap! The milk is free (the nursing pads and milk storage bottles are not) and that's fine because it's wayyyy cheaper than formula, bottles, nipples, etc. 
• It forces me to eat healthier because I know he gets what I get and I want to pack him with nutrients and in return I am a healthier momma for him. 
• It's good for my confidence. I feel good knowing that I could grow a baby in my womb and deliver him safely into this world and now that I can feed him the way nature intended and keep him as healthy as possible. It makes me feel like super woman and that's a pretty cool thing. 

So starving babies are scary things but I don't have one here thank god. Here's to another day in the life of a personal dairy cow. And I couldn't be more happy about it.