Since most of my friends are teachers and nurses and learnin' is their job, let's talk a little bit about it mmmk? Soooo where to start. Well as we all know I am a first time mom. But this is not my first rodeo taking care of newborn babies, afterall I do it for a living. I'm a baby wisperer... no?
Well the first thing I learned in this journey called motherhood is that I am the baby's mother this time, not the baby's nurse. My baby is not sick. My baby does not have a set schedule every 3 hours on the dot, my baby does not have a large sliding glass door to shut when he cries too loud or to keep his room quiet to help him sleep, my baby does not have ready made bottles to feed him or another person to do it for me, my baby does not let me clock out, my baby does not have a restricted visitor list, my baby does not have a monitor to detect drops in heart rate or oxygen level if he has his head turned into his blanket or he chokes on his spit up, my baby is not a NICU baby. My baby is not sick. WHICH IS SCARY AS SHIT! I am so so so thankful he is healthy, but I am really adjusting to this whole healthy baby, eats when he cries, gets held non-stop, has my undivided attention, can snuggle all the live long day, but no sleeping if Henry doesn't sleep, I get to keep him kinda thing. It's a huge switch in the type of newborn care I am used to. I don't report every spit up to a doctor or nurse practitioner, I don't weigh and chart his every diaper and I don't have alot of answers. I am learning ALOT! Yes I can swaddle a babe like no one's business (but turns out my kid hates to be swaddled) and yes I can spot symptoms of oncoming illness at the earliest sign (but he isn't sick) and yes I can get a sluggish sleepy preemie baby with an oral aversion to eat a bottle with ease (but my baby is full term and breastfeeds like a champ).
I am remembering that my baby doesn't have massive temperature instability and doesn't need a hat and socks and a onesie underneath his sleeper and to be wrapped up tight in two blankets to stay warm (he got sweaty and mad) . I am remembering that he doesn't need me to slow him down when he eats because he has the "suck, swallow, breathe" thing down. I am remembering that this tiny munchkin is much more capable than I give him credit for.
The next thing I learned is that breastfeeding is alot more painful than I ever could have imagined. They always say "if it hurts, you're doing it wrong". Well that is a load of crap. Kind of. While pain can be a sign that the baby isn't latched on correctly it can also be caused by many other things. In our case Henry has always been a great eater, he latches really well, latches quickly and stays latched until I make him stop, in most cases. That being said I was in excruciating pain the first week of breastfeeding. I have heard that you have to let your nipples toughen up but this was toe curling pain. I didn't know pain could actually make your toes curl and even in labor with horrible back labor I wasn't curling my toes. This felt like a hot knife, stinging, burning pain with blisters and cracks and just all around raw and you have to do it for 30-45 minutes every 2 hours so there is no relief or time for healing. YOUCH! The cause,.....the kid has a high upper palate and it was causing alot of tugging and compression that normally doesn't exist with kiddos that have a normal palate. WOW! I got lots of help from lactation specialists and an ointment with an antibiotic, antifungal and a steroid to help them heal and we have never looked back since.....wait...until Mastitis. The cracks and blisters can allow bacteria to get in from your precious little baby's mouth and cause mastitis. It's basically an infection in the breast that feels like the flu without the GI symptoms, you just feel like you got hit by a Mack truck with aches, pains, chills, fatigue, high fever and horribly sore boobs (all super fun with a week old baby to care for round the clock). A week of antibiotics and THEN we never looked back. My advice.....keep getting help, as much as you can. There are incredible resources around to help you, trust lactation specialists and don't be shy about feeding in front of them, they need to see whats going on when the baby eats to help (even if your husband is embarrassed that someone is seeing you topless for the umpteenth time) and KEEP GOING!!! I ended up working with 5 different mother/baby nurses, 4 different lactation specialists, the newborn nurse at my pediatrician's office and the breastfeeding support group of other mothers that my pediatrician's office offers bi-monthly. I was absolutely determined to exclusively breast feed and come hell or high water it was going to happen. My kid wanted to, I wanted to and there was nothing that was going to stop us and now...we are doing it! KEEP GOING!
The next thing I learned is that you HAVE to keep acting human. It's really easy to stay in bed all day because you are tired and not shower and not want to be human. It was crucial for me the first few weeks (and even now) to get out of bed, put the baby down after a feed and let him nap in his swing next to the shower in the bathroom and take a HOT long shower. I needed to feel clean, being covered in milk and sweat from the fantastic hormonal night sweats you get after having a baby (that noone tells you about) and just feeling tired and gross makes you feel worse. I need to brush and do my hair (or at least feel that it is clean in it's "mommy ponytail"), put my makeup on (or at least some mascara) and get dressed (in clean sweats and a clean nursing tank top) has been so important for me. I'm exhausted but I at least feel a little bit better while I'm trying to fight the exhaustion, postpartum hormones and "baby blues".
Speaking of which, I've had some baby blues. I am learning that it's normal and that there is a difference from the kind of postpartum depression where you drown your baby in the bathtub that everyone scares the shit out of you with and just being weepy and hormonal. Apparently 80% of women get the baby blues and that is normal. It's a few week period where your hormones are on a roller coaster, mixed with new mommy exhaustion, anxiety about keeping your baby alive and healthy with just your boobs, anxiety in general, pressure to be the perfect new mom and stay at home wife, seeing tons of visitors, trying to get rest and just feeling like you need to cry for no reason. I have cried more in these few weeks since Henry has been here than my entire pregnancy. Being a new mommy is stressful and I didn't realize how much and why. Alot of the time I just look at my baby and start to tear up, in a good way, because I can't believe he is mine. It's been a really really hard reality for me that after all our efforts to get pregnant that we actually have a baby now and that we actually get to keep him and that he is healthy and doing well. I'm sure people feel that way even without going through infertility, but it's hittin' me hard. I'm trying to be perfect and have dinner made and the house clean and the laundry done and make sure my baby is healthy and happy and it took it's toll. I learned the hard way to settle down and enjoy the stillness. I am a go-getter and I have a hard time sitting around. I am learning that it is ok to sit and snuggle my tiny baby and that he will only stay this tiny and snuggly for so long. I am learning to try to relax because he is getting fat and getting long and growing out of his newborn clothes and diapers before my eyes. I know he is doing well but I am still worried about him. I am learning to adjust to our new life with a baby.
I also learned that Henry's car seat fits into the Target, Sams club and Walmart cart but does not fit in the freaking Hobby Lobby cart. SOOO disappointed hob-lob. So disappointed.
I have learned that I can get the stroller out of the car by myself, put Henry's car seat into it and push it into a store with double doors that I have to open myself and push my stroller through.
I have learned that you get really embarrassed when your kid SCREAMS in the check out line at Target because he decided in 4.2 seconds that he needs to eat NOW!
I have learned he hates red lights and his car seat in general, but that Phil Collins, George Strait and K-love radio station make it better.
I have learned that I can reach behind me and feel for his mouth in his rear facing car seat and pop a pacifier in it to shush him in said car rides from hell.
I have learned that I needed a smaller skinnier wallet than my huge one and to downsize my key chain so that when I put them next to him in his car seat so I can have both hands free to shut the car door and hold his car seat they don't take up too much room.
I have learned that I need some serious upper body strength.....my arms are sooo weak!
But most importantly I have learned what true love is. I am just amazed at how I feel about this baby that has only been in my life for 4 weeks. I love my husband more than words can ever express. We have a friendship, trust and love like I never thought would be possible. We make a great team and we have fun at the same time. He is my rock and my absolutely support system and I think he's pretty hot. But that's a romantic type of love and bond and friendship. With Henry its a primal type of love. An instant need to protect and care for and nurture and love this little being from the second he was born. I look over at him multiple times in the night just to make sure he looks peaceful and he is comfortable and still wrapped in his blanket and breathing ok. I constantly wonder if I am being a good enough mom, if he is getting enough milk, feels loved enough, gets enough attention etc. I know the answer but its something out of my control to NEED to know he is the best he can be because of my love and care and to make sure I am doing everything in my power to make his life perfect. That has been the biggest learning curve of all. I just can't get enough of the little guy. I had no idea and could have never prepared myself despite all of the mommas telling me, that this was coming. It's the best feeling in the world.
I have learned I LOVE BEING A MOM.
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