Grateful

I am grateful. So incredibly Grateful....

for each of those two pink lines we watched get darker and darker each day
for the black circle and blinking dot on that first ultrasound
for the tears
for the trouble
for the stress
for the worry
for the hopelessness
for my wavering trust in god, that I somehow found again
for the countless hours in the waiting room at the infertility office, most after working long night shifts
for the every other day ultrasounds checking for signs of hope for that cycle...for eggs
for the failed cycles
for the failed meds
for my body failing to do what it should
for the medications and the scientists who created them
for the mommas who have walked this path before me and have been my mentors
for my cheerleaders
for the times we almost gave up and didn't
for the 40- something labs draws over the last 18 months
for my poor "big vein" in my left arm that's the "sweet spot"
for the surgery to help my uterus be a perfect home for our future baby
for the diagnoses
for feeling like my body failed me, failed us
for the OB/ GYNs
for the incredible nurses that held me when I cried and encouraged me when I needed it, who held my hand as I fell asleep in the OR because I was scared, who made me promise to keep in touch, who hugged me and cheered loudly when I found out this baby was coming, who fought for me and my ideas, who called me when they didn't have to, just to check on me, who high-fived me after good appointments, who loved me.
for insurance
for family
for all the hormone shots
for yucky side effects
for my stepdad who encouraged me to read the word of God for my answers and hope
for my sister who never gave up hope for us and prayed with me from 4 hours away
for my mom who sat through countless phone calls listening to her baby cry out of anger, shock, disappointment, disbelief, sadness
for a strong husband who loves me more than anything and never showed me his doubt
for doctors whose only goal in life is to help women like me have their dreams come true
for teaching hospitals with advanced medicine and ideas and treatments
for every single sleepless night
for every prayer answered and unanswered
for every penny spent
for friends
for coworkers
for our entire support system
for the looks on their faces when we told them we are pregnant
for our endurance
for our strength
for the look on my husband's face when we talk about "the baby"
for the tears welling up in his eyes when we saw it for the first time
for 4 perfect sonograms with perfect heart beats, loud and strong
for Taylor putting his hand on my stomach at night when he sleeps.
for growth
for change
for every single time I have thrown up, even in public or at work
for every moment of discomfort
for every single milliliter of fluids to rehydrate me and keep my body going
for Phenergan and Zofran
for love
for our new family of 3
for the hope of the future
for the end of the first trimester
for milestones reached

.....for being pregnant....for this baby.

I know this is super sappy (call it the pregnancy hormones) and I never thought I would admit half of that even happened, I lived in a dark desperate place called infertility for a long time. A place I hope no one else in this world ever has to visit. But, for me, it has made me realize what we could have missed had we not tried "everything". What we could have gone without experiencing. What we would have lost if we didn't go through all this. To see our baby on sonogram after sonogram growing so fast and drastically changing has been an awe inspiring experience. Most women get 2 sonograms, one to confirm the pregnancy and determine the due date, the other for an anatomy scan and to determine gender. We have already had 4 based on our trouble to get to this point and what a blessing it is. Each time I think to myself, "Ahh I am so sick of being sick", I watch the videos of the baby and it's blinking heart and it all melts away. I promised myself that I would do anything, ANYTHING, to have this opportunity to become a mother, to feel my stomach start to swell, to throw up in an applebee's restroom during dinner. And that if I was ever given the chance to have this happen to me that I would never complain about any part of it. So far I've had one day where I broke down and cried and that was the day I had to go to the hospital to get IV fluids and anti-nausea meds through my IV because I was so sick. But even then I reminded the nurses and Taylor the whole time that I am so grateful to be here, to have a reason to be sick, to have a baby growing.

I can't get past what has happened, I doubt I ever will. There is a certain amount of pain that comes flooding back and brings tears to my eyes each time I hear of someone walking the path we walked down. I know how they feel and until you go through infertility you can't quite comprehend the amount of emotions involved. I knew then it would all be worth it but I doubted that there was a finish line, a light at the end of the tunnel. I doubted God at several times and his love for me. That after all the major trials in my young life that I would still have to face something this hard. Why did it have to be that hard? Why could 15 year olds, high on cocaine, get pregnant on a 1 night stand at a party and we had to wait almost two years? Why did I have to watch babies at work be born into abusive families with mother's who drop them and never show up to the hospital and see them. Why did God let them be mothers and not me? Why did Taylor have to go through it too, couldn't I just take the hard stuff by myself? But God knows I needed a partner and a best friend to walk through it with me and God gave me Taylor. God knows the answer to why it had to be so hard, not me, but I have a feeling it has something to do with being grateful. Teaching me that nothing in my life comes without work and that's ok. I am stronger because of it. I wasn't then, but I am now. It has molded me into the person, the wife and the mother that I am now and I am grateful. So grateful.
That kind of despair and desperation can tear a person and a marriage apart and I am so blessed that while it tried, it never did. Taylor and I are stronger than ever and I think we both learned so much about ourselves and our character and our marriage. The type of people we are and what is important to us. I am thankful for that. I am so thankful for him. He is such an incredible person of strength in my life and for him to walk through this with me and carry me when I couldn't do it anymore, he is such a blessing to me. I hope our baby has his qualities in that way.

At the end of the day would I do all of this again? In one word. ABSOLUTELY! Every single second of it. I had a person tell me once during all of our infertility struggles "maybe you are just not meant to be a mother". It was the single most devastating and heart wrenching, hurtful and cruel thing anyone has EVER said to me. After knowing what we were going through to tell me that was just soul crushing. I am meant to be a mother and if not by my own body, by adoption or other means. I was put on this earth to be a mother, I am a surrogate mother to every baby I care for at work while their own mother's can't be there. You don't have to have a baby out of your own womb to be a mother, you have to have the qualities and the passion for it and I have that, I've always had it. This journey has been worth every tear and heartache, every cruel comment, every questioning glance, every opinion that wasn't the same as mine. I know not everyone would do what we did to get to this place, but it's a beautiful place filled mostly with people who desire to help you and some who only know to bring you down, but it's worth it. So so so worth it. It's all been worth it. And for that, for this. I am GRATEFUL.