13 weeks

Disclamimer: This is getting a little bit skewed lately, I am a busy girl and I am tired so  the weekly posts are posted at the END of each week. I turn a new "week" of pregnancy on every Friday and I post these during the weekend to sum up that week. For example, I am 14 weeks pregnant today but this entire  past week was my 13th week so I sum it up at the end. Just so we cleared that up :)

Lets get right down to the nitty gritty shall we? I did nothing exciting this week, just worked and got sick and worked some more. Yes I still have morning all day sickness. I know, I know, broken record. BORING!!! I was told it would start to go away during my second trimester, which I am now in! Hurray! But alas, I am still sick, lately more constant nausea than actual vomiting, but none the less, sick. Whatevs, no big deal, moving on.
I had a good friend ask me how I was doing the other day and my response was something like  "still getting sick, but it's been so worth it and I'm just feeling lucky. It's hard to not just feel thankful each time it happens." Her response was something like " you are human, it's ok to not love the side effects! Don't feel like you have to smile through it, it's rough! You can complain a bit, it's ok".
 I know what I said to her sounds so stupid, who feels thankful each time they throw up? That is the dumbest thing I personally have ever heard! I can't believe it came out of my mouth. But honestly I do feel thankful each time. I know I am getting lots of eye rolls, go ahead, roll away, it sounds so stupid. I know I am human, I know it's ok to not feel good but I choose to smile through it.

She is right, pregnancy can be really rough, and some pregnancies rougher than others.
But I also know how it feels to listen to people who are pregnant constantly whine about everything involved. "Oh this sucks so much. I feel like crap. This is miserable. I hate the way I feel. This baby has ruined my body. I feel so fat/ugly/gross etc. My nose is big. I have horrible stretch marks. My body will never be the same. I don't like how big my boobs are. This child is sucking the life out of me. I hate being pregnant!" I have personally heard all of these comments multiple times from pregnant women, we all have. And after all, I basically work in a baby factory, there are a lot of pregnant women running around. Not everyone has a fantastic symptom-free lovely miracle of life pregnancy and yes it changes your body and your life immensely. And some of the side effects suck! Throwing up sucks! Feeling like you are going to throw up sucks!  But, to hear all of those complaints about something you want so bad, well,  it just breaks your heart to hear people sound so ungrateful for something you would give anything in the world to experience. I know most of those women were still excited about their pregnancies and babies and it was just a heat of the moment, "I don't feel good" comment. We all go through those and it's totally ok. But I guess I just try to be more careful about what I say, because you never know who is listening, who is silently struggling with something, who would give anything to have their head in the toilet all day long with "morning" sickness like me. Because I was that girl. So while yes, I admit I hate throwing up all day long and that I still cry almost every time it happens even after 10.5weeks of it. I am still thankful that it is happening, that I have a reason for it to happen. That there is a baby in my stomach that is growing and changing me for the better inside and out and that baby is causing it to happen. That there is some kind of physical sign to remind me that yes, I am still having symptoms of a healthy pregnancy with strong enough hormones to cause me to get sick. To remind me that I am pregnant, because before my stomach started to swell it was hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that God was actually giving me a real chance to be a mother. That he made a baby inside me and that it's healthy and growing. Now I can see my belly change and grow, it's easier to be reminded what is happening but before that, it was very surreal and hard to believe. I kept taking pregnancy tests a few weeks after that first one and even after some ultrasounds just to be able to see real evidence for myself. Make fun all you want, roll eyes all you please but yes I am thankful I am throwing up and while it wouldn't be the most preferable way to spend my day or pregnancy, I am ok with it because it means that I am pregnant and that is what is important to me. I told God a long time ago that I didn't care what I had to do to get this baby as long as I got the chance to have one and I stand by that. So I choose to smile through it.

Cravings!

Here is this week's stats and chalkboard.

How far along? 13 weeks, baby is the size of a peach
Total weight gain: 15 lbs lost so far. Gained back 2 lbs this week. I saw on one of my pregnancy apps that by next week my uterus will weigh about 8 lbs. WHAT?!?! HOW?!?

Maternity clothes? I did buy a few shirts on sale from Gap maternity this week and some from target just to stock up a little bit. I can still fit into all my old stuff, some days jeans fit better than others but it can't hurt to plan ahead.

Sleep: Sleeping pretty well.

Best moment this week: Having the weather cool down.

Miss Anything? Not really this week, I'm doin good.

Movement: I can't feel anything yet but I am sure the baby is moving and grooving still.
Food cravings: Iced coffee (decaf) and honeycrisp apples with caramel dip, popcorn, salads.

Anything making you queasy or sick: meat and the smell or look of it.

Gender: We will find out October 19th.

Symptoms: sick, weird dreams, stomach getting bigger.

Belly Button in or out? in
Wedding rings on or off? on.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy!

Looking forward to: The weather staying cool, My belly to get bigger and finding out what we are having.

Nursery Ideas

Those of you who know me personally know I am a craft FREAK! I don't know how this started honestly but I remember coloring, using paint, glitter and glue, etc from a very early age. At one point or another I have been into cross-stich, knitting, sewing, drawing, painting, making recycled paper, weaving on a loom, ceramics, jewelry making etc. A lot of those things were in school art classes (which I tried to pack my schedule with during middle and high school.) So you can only imagine how my mind has been spinning with ideas for our baby's nursery for the longest time, way before we were pregnant, way before we were married. And now that we have this big house with a big bedroom and bathroom, I have a blank canvas ready for my art that will become our baby's room.
Here are some pictures I have pulled from pinterest that I love already.

GIRLS: Something soft and sweet and not obsessively pink but still very girly

I love the soft teal walls, the pink accents and the white chandelier and crib. LOVE LOVE LOVE the monogram instead of the name on the wall.

Love the girly mirror and the dresser we have is similar to this one without the embellishments, no black though

Again love the soft blue, white and pink.

 

Boys: Probably something vintage with cars, airplanes and trains

Love the lime green with the navy color combo and the bold prints.

 I like this too but not the words. or at least those words.

Love the navy, the planes hanging and the vintage bedding.

Love the vintage look and feel of this and could probably paint it pretty easily.

 

Stay tuned, I will post some sneak peak pics as we start working on things but have to find out what we are having first!

12 weeks

Ok so technically I am 13 weeks and 1 day pregnant at this point, I was slackin this week on the chalkboard and bump pic. Sorry! There are way more fun things to do like oh I don't know, decorate for Fall and Halloween and go garage saling for baby schtuff and ya know, work! Taylor and I have been on opposite schedules all week it seems and my usual "bump photographer" was absent when I was needing pics!

Today my mom and I went to a neighborhood garage sale and found some great things, a pack n' play for $20, 4 great swaddle blankets (1 of the aden and anais super expensive ones) for $0.25, a changing pad for $2, and some other fun goodies. It was great to be with my momma and great to find some good deals. Taylor should be home any minute from work and then we are just gonna hang out the rest of the weekend, which I am very pumped about!





Here are all the fantastic treats. I think I figured out that all this stuff (which includes the bumbo w/ tray and the play mat with sides that I bought from a friend last week) adds up to $370 retail and I spent $50. Pretty good! (the boppy pillow I got for free from a breastfeeding awareness month give away)






I'll stop babbling and get to the good stuff. Here are pics and stats from this week.

 I do believe ladies and gents that I am starting to have a baby bump, that is not just belly, that's baby pushing pre-existing belly out more....BUT....it's firm so I think it counts now?

How far along? 12 weeks, baby is the size of a plum
Total weight gain: Lost 2 more pounds, down 17 total. Put your judging glances away, I have been trying to pack in protein and carbs and calories for weeks now, the one time in my life that I am not trying to lose weight and someone is watching me like a hawk (my OB) is the time it falls off....real cool. But hey, if I walk out of this experience with a healthy babe in my arms and 30 lbs lighter than pre-pregnancy weight, I might be cool with that too. And my husband says...."babe, if you feel up to eating (because all statements about food start with this lately) lets have pizza and ice cream tonight for dinner we gotta pack on the calories" (he would like to mean for both of us I think lol) which is always fun to hear (....if Pizza and ice cream sound stomachable that day) and even better "babe, don't lose too much, you don't have very much to lose anyway, don't get too skinny" record skip,.... say what?! Thanks babe, a million brownie points goes to you, I can hear the slot machine noises as we speak in my head for that comment.

Maternity clothes? Nope, not yet, might start looking at sale stuff and browsing in stores though, I have a funny feeling I will be one of those pregnant women that wakes up one morning and just has "popped" and when I "pop" I'm going to be crying in my closet on the floor "gahhh I have NOTHING to wear" only this time I will mean it. Good thing I love my closet.  

Sleep: Still sleeping like a rock. Weird weird dreams though. Dreamt today that velocoraptors were taking over down town Kansas city and causing mass chaos and death and it was all because of a crystal light factory explosion and they were exposed to the drink crystals, you know because velocoraptors are very sensitive to these things.....WHAT THE HECK IS THAT!?!?!

Best moment this week: Seeing the baby again on ultrasound and watching it act just like me...ornery and stubborn. Oh lord, I have my work cut out for me and my parents ARE GOING TO LOVE WATCHING IT ALL PLAY OUT. In fact, I quote my step dad's text the other day. It said " You need a door slamming, foot stomping, "you don't have any authority over me" cute, precious little girl! Just like we have :)" GREEEAATTT

Miss Anything? having an appetite, my husband. We just haven't seen much of each other this week.

Movement: Well, it's moving and groovin as we saw on our ultrasound. As the tech said "this baby is having a house party in there and you just get to feel the hang over". Truer words have never been spoken. Ha!
Food cravings: Taco Bell's cheesy gordita crunch, ice coffee (decaf of course) and pumpkin anything! Fall is my favorite, in case anyone that has ever met me missed the memo.

Anything making you queasy or sick: EVERYTHING, but especially the meat aisle at the grocery store, well actually the entire grocery store because of the meat aisle, and maybe the parking lot too.  And any raw meat in general, looking at it, smelling it, touching it. Nope.

Gender: Can't wait to find out, I am dying!!

Symptoms: sick, weird dreams, crying at everything (all happy or good things, nothing sad this week)

Belly Button in or out? in
Wedding rings on or off? on.
Happy or Moody most of the time: So very happy, waaaay emotional this week though. Crying at everything. Facebook posts congratulating us, private messages, kind words in public, hugs from friends, the cheerios commercial where she puts the cheerios all over her dad's chest because it's good for his heart...yeah lost it. Just keeping a box of Kleenex around non-stop these days. I was a sap before all this, now I am just a hot mess.

Looking forward to: My belly to get bigger (I know I will regret this statement in 20 weeks but whatevs) and finding out what we are having.

Nuchal Translucency Scan

First of all I just need to say that we announced our pregnancy on facebook yesterday after this scan and the amount of love, support, hugs, congrats, well wishes and prayers for our family is overwhelming, yes I have cried multiple times at the comments you all have sent, THANK YOU for sharing in our excitement! I am so happy I shared the blog address with all of you too, if this is your first post, look further and see what has been going on :). I have had several people come out of the wood work struggling with infertility or knowing someone that has and thanking me for sharing our story. This blog started out to keep our out of town family/friends updated on everything but there had been lots of innocent questions from them "why it took so long?" Most knew we wanted a family right away and I am so happy to share now what we went through if it even helps one person know they are not alone in the journey of infertility. Thanks for the kind words and messages guys! You all are so wonderful to us. Now moving on.....


Hey friends, today is education day on the ole blog. I am gonna teach you all a little sompin' sompin' about pregnancy and prenatal testing today that I learned more about yesterday.
For those of you who don't know what the heck a nuchal translucency is, buckle your seatbelts you are getting the quick and dirty version of the explanation. For those of you who do, just skip past this little part to the good stuff...
So when you find out you are pregnant early enough (and get prenatal care early enough) there is a screening test offered at 12 weeks that looks for chromosomal abnormalities in your baby. It is a simple 30 minute ultrasound that looks at different parts of the baby and can detect problems with the baby's development and anatomy that would indicate a problem with the chromosomal makeup of the little nugget. So of course no result would change anything we are doing with this pregnancy (sadly yes for some it does) but we wanted to know if our baby looked healthy and hell it's just one more excuse to see our little peanut and who doesn't love to do that. Anyshways.... They look for things like the amount of fluid at the back of the neck (hence the word nuchal) and see how thick it is. This comes across as a black space (fluid looks black on ultrasound and looks translucent). Now you get where the name came from...first goal accomplished. Second, you get to learn it's significance. The thicker the fluid at the back of the neck, the more concern there is for a chromosomal abnormality as this is a finding shown with babies who frequently have a trisomy (3 copies) of any chromosome, most commonly Down Syndrome (Trisomy 21), Trisomy 13 and Trisomy 18.

I borrowed this from google images, The baby on the left has a thin amount of fluids at the back of the neck...normal, the baby on the right has a thicker amount and was diagnosed with Trisomy 18

Next the look for a nasal bone, babies should have a nasal bone that can be seen as a white mark on the face at 12 weeks, those that don't....you guessed it, at risk for chromosomal problems.

borrowed this one too, thanks google. You can bearly see it, but see the white mark they are pointing too?

 

Then they look at the heart and the belly and the arms and legs and make sure everything looks normal....if the baby stays still enough.....it did not.

 

BABY SMITH IS ORNERY!!!! just like momma (what?)

This child of ours did not sit still for 2 seconds, the poor ultrasound tech was trying desperately to get our kid to stop acting like it was having a house party in my stomach for a solid 30 minutes. She did get great pictures of his/her profile for us and of little hands. It amazes me that at 4 inches long this baby already looks so human. The heart rate was perfect at 159 and we got to watch baby do backflips and twists and turns and hide it's face with it's hands and kick off the wall of my uterus and jump and bounce. Truly the most fascinating thing I have ever seen. And super weird I felt nothing while it's having this kegger in my stomach except the hangover. Yes, I am still sick. Oh well.

 

The results were perfect, baby looks healthy (and apparently very happy). Nasal bone intact, nuchal fold very thin, heart looks healthy and has great blood flow, umbilical cord has 3 vessles (that is normal). Active, 2 hands, 2 feet, and a rough rough rough guess at the gender, which I am keeping mostly secret until we know for sure.

Baby Smith ^^^ SOO CUTE

 

I am dying to know btw and as soon as I find out, you all will too, so stay posted. I think we are going to do an elective 3D/4D ultrasound at 18 weeks (you have to wait until 20-23 at the Dr.'s office) and my parents and in-laws and sister have all be dying to go to an ultrasound so we are gonna kill two birds with one stone, I am not dragging my circus of a family into the Dr. for the sono at 20-23 weeks to make sure my kid is healthy, so I will drag them to this private boutique I found that does elective gender sonos in 3D and let them all scratch their itch with 30 minutes of baby viewing pleasure and find the gender out then, all together. This place also records the baby's heartbeat and puts it inside a build a bear for you to keep. Adorbs!

 

So now you know what a Nuchal Translucency is and got an update on Baby Smith. Score! I will post the 12 week pics and update as soon as I make the chalkboard for this week :)

Grateful

I am grateful. So incredibly Grateful....

for each of those two pink lines we watched get darker and darker each day
for the black circle and blinking dot on that first ultrasound
for the tears
for the trouble
for the stress
for the worry
for the hopelessness
for my wavering trust in god, that I somehow found again
for the countless hours in the waiting room at the infertility office, most after working long night shifts
for the every other day ultrasounds checking for signs of hope for that cycle...for eggs
for the failed cycles
for the failed meds
for my body failing to do what it should
for the medications and the scientists who created them
for the mommas who have walked this path before me and have been my mentors
for my cheerleaders
for the times we almost gave up and didn't
for the 40- something labs draws over the last 18 months
for my poor "big vein" in my left arm that's the "sweet spot"
for the surgery to help my uterus be a perfect home for our future baby
for the diagnoses
for feeling like my body failed me, failed us
for the OB/ GYNs
for the incredible nurses that held me when I cried and encouraged me when I needed it, who held my hand as I fell asleep in the OR because I was scared, who made me promise to keep in touch, who hugged me and cheered loudly when I found out this baby was coming, who fought for me and my ideas, who called me when they didn't have to, just to check on me, who high-fived me after good appointments, who loved me.
for insurance
for family
for all the hormone shots
for yucky side effects
for my stepdad who encouraged me to read the word of God for my answers and hope
for my sister who never gave up hope for us and prayed with me from 4 hours away
for my mom who sat through countless phone calls listening to her baby cry out of anger, shock, disappointment, disbelief, sadness
for a strong husband who loves me more than anything and never showed me his doubt
for doctors whose only goal in life is to help women like me have their dreams come true
for teaching hospitals with advanced medicine and ideas and treatments
for every single sleepless night
for every prayer answered and unanswered
for every penny spent
for friends
for coworkers
for our entire support system
for the looks on their faces when we told them we are pregnant
for our endurance
for our strength
for the look on my husband's face when we talk about "the baby"
for the tears welling up in his eyes when we saw it for the first time
for 4 perfect sonograms with perfect heart beats, loud and strong
for Taylor putting his hand on my stomach at night when he sleeps.
for growth
for change
for every single time I have thrown up, even in public or at work
for every moment of discomfort
for every single milliliter of fluids to rehydrate me and keep my body going
for Phenergan and Zofran
for love
for our new family of 3
for the hope of the future
for the end of the first trimester
for milestones reached

.....for being pregnant....for this baby.

I know this is super sappy (call it the pregnancy hormones) and I never thought I would admit half of that even happened, I lived in a dark desperate place called infertility for a long time. A place I hope no one else in this world ever has to visit. But, for me, it has made me realize what we could have missed had we not tried "everything". What we could have gone without experiencing. What we would have lost if we didn't go through all this. To see our baby on sonogram after sonogram growing so fast and drastically changing has been an awe inspiring experience. Most women get 2 sonograms, one to confirm the pregnancy and determine the due date, the other for an anatomy scan and to determine gender. We have already had 4 based on our trouble to get to this point and what a blessing it is. Each time I think to myself, "Ahh I am so sick of being sick", I watch the videos of the baby and it's blinking heart and it all melts away. I promised myself that I would do anything, ANYTHING, to have this opportunity to become a mother, to feel my stomach start to swell, to throw up in an applebee's restroom during dinner. And that if I was ever given the chance to have this happen to me that I would never complain about any part of it. So far I've had one day where I broke down and cried and that was the day I had to go to the hospital to get IV fluids and anti-nausea meds through my IV because I was so sick. But even then I reminded the nurses and Taylor the whole time that I am so grateful to be here, to have a reason to be sick, to have a baby growing.

I can't get past what has happened, I doubt I ever will. There is a certain amount of pain that comes flooding back and brings tears to my eyes each time I hear of someone walking the path we walked down. I know how they feel and until you go through infertility you can't quite comprehend the amount of emotions involved. I knew then it would all be worth it but I doubted that there was a finish line, a light at the end of the tunnel. I doubted God at several times and his love for me. That after all the major trials in my young life that I would still have to face something this hard. Why did it have to be that hard? Why could 15 year olds, high on cocaine, get pregnant on a 1 night stand at a party and we had to wait almost two years? Why did I have to watch babies at work be born into abusive families with mother's who drop them and never show up to the hospital and see them. Why did God let them be mothers and not me? Why did Taylor have to go through it too, couldn't I just take the hard stuff by myself? But God knows I needed a partner and a best friend to walk through it with me and God gave me Taylor. God knows the answer to why it had to be so hard, not me, but I have a feeling it has something to do with being grateful. Teaching me that nothing in my life comes without work and that's ok. I am stronger because of it. I wasn't then, but I am now. It has molded me into the person, the wife and the mother that I am now and I am grateful. So grateful.
That kind of despair and desperation can tear a person and a marriage apart and I am so blessed that while it tried, it never did. Taylor and I are stronger than ever and I think we both learned so much about ourselves and our character and our marriage. The type of people we are and what is important to us. I am thankful for that. I am so thankful for him. He is such an incredible person of strength in my life and for him to walk through this with me and carry me when I couldn't do it anymore, he is such a blessing to me. I hope our baby has his qualities in that way.

At the end of the day would I do all of this again? In one word. ABSOLUTELY! Every single second of it. I had a person tell me once during all of our infertility struggles "maybe you are just not meant to be a mother". It was the single most devastating and heart wrenching, hurtful and cruel thing anyone has EVER said to me. After knowing what we were going through to tell me that was just soul crushing. I am meant to be a mother and if not by my own body, by adoption or other means. I was put on this earth to be a mother, I am a surrogate mother to every baby I care for at work while their own mother's can't be there. You don't have to have a baby out of your own womb to be a mother, you have to have the qualities and the passion for it and I have that, I've always had it. This journey has been worth every tear and heartache, every cruel comment, every questioning glance, every opinion that wasn't the same as mine. I know not everyone would do what we did to get to this place, but it's a beautiful place filled mostly with people who desire to help you and some who only know to bring you down, but it's worth it. So so so worth it. It's all been worth it. And for that, for this. I am GRATEFUL.

11 weeks

This week feels like it has taken forever to get here but also has taken forever to leave too. We have our next ultrasound on Sept 10th and we are DYING to see the baby and make sure everything looks ok. We also have our next doctor's appointment that same day so that will be good to check in.

This week also had a little bit of excitement that we wish we didn't have. I have felt much more sick the past week and had trouble keeping anything in my stomach including my anti-nausea medications, which means things were only getting worse. I got to the point where I was so sick that I couldn't keep even water down for the majority of Friday and all of Saturday. Luckily Taylor was home from work and could be with me. I was worried about how dehydrated I was getting and even more about how the baby was doing. I called Labor & Delivery and talked to one of the attendings, she suggested I come into the ER and get IV meds since I couldn't keep oral meds down and get some fluid so I would feel better.

We spent from 7:30pm to 2am in the ER but I got a few big bags of fluids and IV anti-nausea meds and even felt good enough by the time we left to eat something before we went to bed. The best part though was that the ER doc wanted to see the baby and get a heart rate to make sure it was ok. I LOVE GETTING TO SEE MY BABY! and it seems sooo weird to see how it's grown in a few weeks. It looked like a baby this time and not a gummy bear or a blinking bean. Needless to say, I feel soo much better today and I am so glad I went.

I am so lucky to have such an awesome husband to spend his Saturday night trying to make me laugh and distract me from feeling sick while we waited and waited and waited.

Here is the close up of the baby. It's laying on it's back inside the black circle, facing up with it's head on the right and its big belly on the left. Baby looked great strong and had a heart rate of 171.

 

On a more exciting note, I got a free nursing pillow, nursing cover and bought a bumbo seat and tray and a floor play mat with sides that fold up so that Cora (the dog) is less likely to trample the baby on the floor. I am all about saving money on all this ridiculously expensive baby stuff and if I can get it from online promotions, buy cheaper from friends or use coupons and sales I am all about it.

 

 Here is the picture of the bumbo seat and a playmat similar to the one we got. So excited!

 

Here is this week's chalkboard and stats

How far along? 11 weeks, baby is the size of a lime

Total weight gain: Lost another pound. Down a total of 15 lbs. 

Maternity clothes? Nope, not yet but this week I have noticed my stomach feels a lot more firm and is sticking out more.

Sleep: Still sleeping like a rock.

Best moment this week: Seeing the baby again on ultrasound.

Miss Anything? having an appetite

Movement: WAAY too soon still.
Food cravings: Taco Bell's cheesy gordita crunch and mashed potatoes

Anything making you queasy or sick: EVERYTHING

Gender: Taylor wants a boy, I would love a girl but of course we will be thrilled with either, just praying for a healthy baby. I think it's a girl based on the heart rate being higher this week.

Symptoms: Sick as a dog and just tired.

Belly Button in or out? in
Wedding rings on or off? on.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Not moody just don't feel good. Happy to be pregnant and have a healthy baby so far though.
Looking forward to: The end of my first trimester! Still want my belly to "pop" and to get to my 12 week mark for our next sonogram.